Selfish//Selfless (??)

She always wanted someone she could turn to if anything ever happens to her or even to anyone she loves. She wanted it to be sincere and real. But most importantly, she wanted it to be mutual. Not to anyones or their own discreet. She wanted all of it. Greed. She keeps asking and wishing for something she knows and is confident she can’t have. But theres this thing about her. She never wants to spit failure. She never liked rejection and failures.

And so she keeps trying to figure herself out and what she’s doing whether it’s worth it or not. She knows she makes mistakes (on purpose or not) that she cannot rewind. She hurts feelings, got her feelings hurt, therefore she knows where she grew her heartless egoistic sadistic persona from. She’s actually very scared. Scared for herself. Scared that she’s afraid to lose the people she love. Scared for thousands of reasons. Scared of being neglected, scared of being too clingy, scared of being too attached, scared of losing, scared of being taken advantage of, scared of being lied to, scared of being made believe what never was true, scared of the uncertain future, scared of all her mistakes and how they will definitely find a way to catch up with her in the later days.

She always compares herself to the dream life she always fantasizes about. She knows she’s never going to accomplish that. And that maybe people who tell her they care and love her as a whole are not assuring enough. Or maybe whatever they claimed were not even true? How do you tell?

You tell when you start to notice all the little difference? You tell when you notice they start talking to you less? You tell when they couldn’t be bothered about your opinions and feels? You tell when its not mutual anymore? You tell when you feel their assurance are more of annoyance/pressure/force then sincerity?

Is it really because of this that i knew that everything will fade and come to an end?(Be it friendship//relationship?)

Is it really because of this i built high stone cold walls around me? Preventing any potential intruders from making me feel like ive been waking up in a rainbow of a meadow and then taking everything that i gave to them( everything so precious because i never give just anyone anything ) and walks away, slowly, a step at a time leaving all the little traces of memories?

She doesn’t like being encompassed in sadness.Its tiring. She wakes up everyday telling herself that today will be a better day. Today she will meet more people that’s worth knowing/her time. Today she’ll make a kid/elder citizen smile. Today she’ll dress up and feel pretty and confident about herself. Today she’s going to lift up people’s spirits. Today she’ll make people happy. Today she’ll listen to a friend whose having a bad day. Today, she’ll smile.

A smile that could cover up so much that she knows no one, no one, could ever understand and still accept her for who she is.  A smile that makes people wonder what ever is she so happy about. A smile that would make people stop asking how she really is doing and save her all the trouble from trying to reach out and explain. A smile that hides what she’s really feeling underneath all that fakes.

She realise, she’ll never reach out for help from anyone. Because she knows, she can’t count on nobody. Nobody at all. She sees herself, braving the world alone and with no other persons help. She strives to achieve whatever she want’s and thinks is best for her alone. Initially she thought things might change. But then again, maybe its just reality?

If only she quits pretending and stop trying to make people around her happy,It would already have solved every single goddamn thing.