Worst

I never thought anyone could hurt me,emotionally. I never thought anyone would be capable of hurting me. Hurting, stinging my feelings. That ache you have deep inside your chest. That physical ache, that emotional train wreck. I thought wrong. It has never been this way before in the previous relationship. This meant so much more. Although it was only for a duration of 6 months, we had our wits tested. Our limits crossed. Challenging phases were not a surprise.

I still.. looked up to him. Something inside me keeps telling me, its really him, there isn’t no one else. He always leaves me dumbfounded always keeping my jaw apart in awe. I was never shy enough to control my stares of ultimate adoration. I never cared who was watching, i was never afraid to show people who actually owns my heart, for once.

For once i thought things will be different because i actually admire and love(alot), someone, more than a friend more than anything.

And then the person leaves so what does that leave you with? A parcel of memories and gifts and handwritten-full-of-effort cards? Is that actually what the relationship brought? Just determined by the amount of items inside?

I plummeted on bed, hugged the holographic rectangular box like it was a prized possession. I thought i could control myself. Not at the moment when my sensitive nose (only towards a certain scent)  gets a whiff of his scent the box left me pathetically with. Tears started to prickle my eyes. I tried to garner control of my tear ducts but unfortunately his smell was too familiar and too comforting. It was as if it was telling me everything was going to be fine. I bit my tongue in hope it was all just fantasy. I took another whiff blatantly, it was raining tears by then.

Everything was inside, gifts, cards, stuffs, keycards.

I took a message and tore it apart in anger and frustration. I moved on examining all the items i gave a few months back and was doing better(stronger i hope). Not when i sniffed on the band of his watch and the leather of the Fred Perry card holder i got him last year. It smelled so distinctively of him. Everything smells so good so him. By this time i couldn’t talk no more. I started heaving like a horse.

This is such an incredible loss to me.
I feel so lost and, empty.

So how do i start or get going from here?
How do i prove myself worthy and always be true to myself to the next?

Ways you will definitely know he loves you?

Ways you will definitely know he loves you?

Loves you, for who you are and not only your hourglass figure or cheerleader skirts or amazeball sense of style/fashion or your skinny fucking waist or smoothness of your skin or your perfect brows or your 5 inch heels. Well you should pretty much get the gist by now.

I have to admit tho, im not really a good lover in fact i think im a horrible one really (Don’t worry my boyfriend is well aware of this situation (unfortunately) and has been warned before hand) Don’t have to pity him.

Luckily luck is on my side in this two player game.(I put further emphasize on TWO) I pretty much receive more then i give (trying to make a change slowly but surely) Amazingly he is still here for me despite all the squabbles and really i can be quite a handful most of the time. (Which makes me love him all the more)

You’ll know he loves you
If he remembers by heart (Sincerely of course) all your little details. From the hint of your likes/dislikes, your itinerary and plans, your cell number, your birthdate, your first kiss, your favourite songs, favourite place, your favourite number, favourite disney princess, even your best friends names and where they come from without even having to meet them yet! (I think my boyfriend has a hard disc installed somewhere im sure because i can’t even remember his cell number! Boo me go ahead. Im sorry but i have the memory of a goldfish)

You’ll know he loves you 
If you both don’t have to rely on out-sourcing entertainment to fill your time (Strictly includes movies, shopping, eating) Well eating is a necessity (a hobby for me) so that’s an exception. You can be utterly disgusting like me (i burp out loud alot i am sorry i am a disgrace to the female community) and he still loves you just the way you are. You can want to just sit and talk and laugh and even take a nap and he wouldn’t even care or love you any more less. Who needs $$$ to have fun with the one you love anyway?

You’ll know he loves you
If he makes sacrifices no matter big or small. Small sacrifices includes giving you his fries or walking around town with lip stain on his face (well i like to do this secretly tho hehe) talking to you on the phone till youre really sleepy (sacrificing sleep in this case for me is pretty much a big sacrifice so be thankful ladies) or sending you home to your doorstep because bringing and asking you out was his responsibility so sacrificing his time and effort to send you home is pretty much a must (Dont question me and my at-times-feminist thinking)
Big sacrifices like waking up when youre up for morning shift at work just to accompany you and make sure you’re not alone because you hate mornings as much as i do. (i despise them) Willing to take a trip down to your work place in the middle of the night to just fetch you home?

You’ll know he loves you
If he cares about you. Even a simple question like how did your day go? Is instantly a relief. The tricky part here is to tell whether he is genuinely interested of course. If he is then, lucky you. If he cares he will want to know what happened to you, how did your day go, what did you have for lunch, who you went out with, what pissed you off at work and most importantly after pouring them all out, he’s there to make you better. (My boyfriend is guilty of this)

Lastly,

You’ll know he loves you
If he has no expectations for you or for the relationship as a whole. He accepts you for who you are. Who you set out to be and supports you till the very end. He breathes in your flaws and exhales your imperfections but still loves them as they are because all of it defines you. He doesn’t try to change you.The only expectation he should have on the relationship is for it to last, eternity.

Well i do know he loves me pretty damn much and i can never ask for another.
In fact he is actually guilty for all of the above and i would like to take this opportunity to thank him for teaching and making me be a better lover a better friend and a better daughter.

For the rest of you never give up, good luck and all the best
Regards,
T.J xx

Photo on 2013-09-20 at 16.59 #3

Tanjung

And so the day finally came!! The day we’ve been planning//looking forward to since we started dating about 3-4 months ago actually. The weather in Singapore has been pretty gloomy for the past few days with thundery storms being a norm (You rarely get that for consecutive days straight here) But amazingly on the Thursday, it was shining brighter then ever. Not even a drizzle! Perfect weather for the beach with love hehe

We went out as early as 1030am, well, I, went out at 1030. Apparently he had to wait for 15 minutes for his princess right here teehe. Sorry baby.
We made our way to Harbourfront and him, being the burden as usual, had to use the restroom…. (I’m kidding babe you know i love you no matter what)
Got us some snacks and off we go to Sentosa! Tanjung beach coming right up!

I think i fell in love with his camera instead……… But really, it takes super pretty pictures i can’t help it but to snap hehe bare with me!

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So happy with the photos! Although i can say he’s not really the best photographer around but i think they’re decent enough. My tube top kept sliding off. Wait it’s not even a tube,it’s a skirt. Guess i’ll never learn my lesson to not get big sizes even if its cheap and branded and on sale and pretty… I really love the prints on it i can’t help it! Even the colors were perfect! So we headed to the beach!

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It was beautiful! Since it was a Thursday there wasn’t really much crowd, just our luck yay. I really need to thank him for bringing the tripod and what not for us to take photos but baby maybe next time you should familiarize yourself with the camera first after keeping it dusty for so long? Why would someone even neglect a camera this good?!

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Afterwards we had dinner at KFC and then made our way home and as per normal i never want to go home whenever were together…. Can we never separate?????? Hahaha over-possessive girlfriend alert…..not! (I hope) Don’t want him to end up running fearing for his life before i smother him to death hehe

After 6 hours by the beach (That’s amazingly long) i became as dark as………. I don’t know.
This level of darkness which i’ve never managed to accomplish yet. Congratulations to me. How can some people look better with tanned skin?! Honestly i think my boyfriend looked like a total hunk after 6 hours by the beach with his golden tan and muscles hahahaha okay i might sound delusional a little but hey its so much fun! (Don’t judge)

I felt really happy by just spending time with him the whole day. I couldn’t ask for more really. With his hectic schedule and my internship starting soon…. Thinking about it is just, depressing. With me having my holidays and him working, its already difficult for us to spend time together what more when i start my internship??

But we’ll make it through, i believe so! There’s just so much faith in this and us. If there’s faith theres hope around the corner.

That summed up my Thursday by the beach with the hunk,i mean my hunk (only after the swim) teehee

I love you so much @ Zulkiflee Putra more then i can ever show it to you i swear
xxx