One day

“Good morning beautiful, rise and shine” Then gently rock your body with the tip of his soft fingers. You wake up mumbling and scrunching your nose and he brings his closer to you. Tickles you awake and nestles himself beside you. His hand reaches out to your messy flying fringe sprawled against your cheeks and pulls them back behind your ears.

You both face each other with just plain, white, comforting sheets between and a pillow apart. You start to grin uncontrollably when he asks how was your sleep with a smirk on his face. He glanced at the wooden clock on the bedside table next to the lamp and a mason jar of fresh tulips, pulled you closer and whispered, ‘5 more minutes.’

He fell asleep within minutes with his arms wrapped tightly around you. You snuggled your way out of his embrace as soft as feather to try not to wake this beautiful being in front of you. You sat on the edge of the bed, pulled the comforter over his torso, slipped on some clean fresh slippers, headed to the washroom and brushed your teeth.

You continue to the kitchen, whipping up some waffle batter and juice fat oranges. He pulls you by the waist from behind and snuggles his chin on the curves of your neck and tells you how wonderful a mother you would make.

You settle breakfast and he picks you up from work that evening like every other. You get in the car with your co-workers gushing about how dashing and dapper he is but you know you’ve accomplished something none of them can or will ever. You won him over, effortlessly.

He takes you out for dinner in his usual suit and tie, holds the door for you, pulls out the chair for you, orders your regular for you all without being told to. You both laugh over dinner and shared how your individual days went. You can really look at him forever. Taking in and memorizing his every scent through out the different hours of the day, when he wakes up, gets ready for work, after work, after shower, everything, you remember everything.

You both lounge around your humble abode in just your inner wear because that’s how comfortable you are with another. Snuggling up next to him while he watches his favorite show while you read your favorite magazine.

He carries you to the room and gets you ready for sleep. He makes you your favorite tea and kisses your cheeks and forehead while wishing you goodnight and sweetdreams.
Not to mention, how much he loves you. You switch off the lights and whisper to him how precious he is to you.

Hey a girl can dream right?

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I’ll spend forever wondering if you’ll ever know how much i do.

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Can you imagine waking up to not receiving anything from the person you think about every morning once you wake up and before you go to sleep?? No i’m not going to go thru the whole quotes shit but really i can’t. It’srd for me to really admire->like->love a person but when i do… Its difficult i can’t arrange my sentences i don’t know where to begin with.

Don’t you come up to me telling me i don’t care or i couldn’t careless moreover give a shit.

Do you know about me enough to come to such a conclusion? Do you really know how i go about not giving a shit? Of course you don’t cause i’ve never done that to you before. I never want to. It won’t be pretty and i know i wouldn’t like whatever will happen next.

I’ll spend forever wondering if you’ll ever know how much i do.

How much i do care about you. How much i do want to see you happy and successful. How much i do want you all to myself. How much i do need you in my life. How much i do want to see us be happy together. How much i do want you to never give up on me. How much i do want to be the only one in your life. How much i do miss you all the time. How much i do love you so much because you make me feel like the happiest lady whenever you’re around(doesn’t even matter what we might be doing at the point of time)

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We’ve known each other for almost one third a year now.

To many more to come and may all these petty squabbles bring good for us to help us understand and improve ourselves for the other.

Please take note of the above* (the ones in italic)
love you bf

 

Tanjung

And so the day finally came!! The day we’ve been planning//looking forward to since we started dating about 3-4 months ago actually. The weather in Singapore has been pretty gloomy for the past few days with thundery storms being a norm (You rarely get that for consecutive days straight here) But amazingly on the Thursday, it was shining brighter then ever. Not even a drizzle! Perfect weather for the beach with love hehe

We went out as early as 1030am, well, I, went out at 1030. Apparently he had to wait for 15 minutes for his princess right here teehe. Sorry baby.
We made our way to Harbourfront and him, being the burden as usual, had to use the restroom…. (I’m kidding babe you know i love you no matter what)
Got us some snacks and off we go to Sentosa! Tanjung beach coming right up!

I think i fell in love with his camera instead……… But really, it takes super pretty pictures i can’t help it but to snap hehe bare with me!

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So happy with the photos! Although i can say he’s not really the best photographer around but i think they’re decent enough. My tube top kept sliding off. Wait it’s not even a tube,it’s a skirt. Guess i’ll never learn my lesson to not get big sizes even if its cheap and branded and on sale and pretty… I really love the prints on it i can’t help it! Even the colors were perfect! So we headed to the beach!

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It was beautiful! Since it was a Thursday there wasn’t really much crowd, just our luck yay. I really need to thank him for bringing the tripod and what not for us to take photos but baby maybe next time you should familiarize yourself with the camera first after keeping it dusty for so long? Why would someone even neglect a camera this good?!

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Afterwards we had dinner at KFC and then made our way home and as per normal i never want to go home whenever were together…. Can we never separate?????? Hahaha over-possessive girlfriend alert…..not! (I hope) Don’t want him to end up running fearing for his life before i smother him to death hehe

After 6 hours by the beach (That’s amazingly long) i became as dark as………. I don’t know.
This level of darkness which i’ve never managed to accomplish yet. Congratulations to me. How can some people look better with tanned skin?! Honestly i think my boyfriend looked like a total hunk after 6 hours by the beach with his golden tan and muscles hahahaha okay i might sound delusional a little but hey its so much fun! (Don’t judge)

I felt really happy by just spending time with him the whole day. I couldn’t ask for more really. With his hectic schedule and my internship starting soon…. Thinking about it is just, depressing. With me having my holidays and him working, its already difficult for us to spend time together what more when i start my internship??

But we’ll make it through, i believe so! There’s just so much faith in this and us. If there’s faith theres hope around the corner.

That summed up my Thursday by the beach with the hunk,i mean my hunk (only after the swim) teehee

I love you so much @ Zulkiflee Putra more then i can ever show it to you i swear
xxx

7th September 2013

I am truly blessed to be given the cream of crops every single time it comes down to finding friends/partners. I am grateful(to my mom) that since young i was given lessons on how to pick the right people all the time. What qualities to look out for, how to judge and tell if that person is worth spending your time and effort on. I am happy that mama taught me how to set high standards and expectations for myself. Honestly, i think this part which she continuously teaches me is still really important. Comparing my friends and i, (their stories and love lives) I am blessed indeed. I am thankful that through out my 19 years of life, i had the opportunity to get to know and meet all these great people, regardless whether their still a part of me or not.  If they left, they sure taught me valuable lessons though. They can never leave me empty handed.

Looks like there is going to be boundaries from now on, for me for him for us.
Honestly i never thought we could make it this far because were both egoistic and stubborn like hell. Hats off to him for being so tolerant and patient towards his little (ok maybe not so little) princess right here teehee.

Moving on to the 7th now. (Always liked the number 7 since foreva)

When was the last time she went on a proper date with…Let’s call//name him Special.
It’s been weeks she thinks, or almost a month or so. Dates, as in spending the whole day out together kind of dates,get it? She always looked forward to dates with Special. It’s different every time and this date, proves it yet again. Since she knew the itinerary for the day,(But yet it ended up different!!!) the more she couldn’t contain herself.
(Early dinner/lunch, The Mummy: Secrets of the Tomb exhibition @ the ArtScience museum)

It’s not easy being a lady when you get butterflies almost every time when the day reaches near. So many things needed to be thought through like, obviously what was she going to wear? Would it be impressive enough? Modest and not trashy? What color? Now… what about make-up? Should she go heavy on the eyes? Smokey or sultry? Shoes, what should she wear? Heels? Slippers? Sandals? Sneakers?? Honestly, it’s a never ending list.
The things girls do…….and fuss about.

After a week of not seeing Special, it felt truly lovely to be in those arms again,finally.

They headed for an early dinner//late lunch over @ Pizza Hut and proceeded to walk over to Marina Bay Sands while taking…pretty much a lot of photos hahahaha. (It was difficult trying to pick out the best ones because there were too many) Of course it was her idea since Special was…more camera-shy,not. Thereafter they headed for the museum.It was her first time going on a museum date, however corny it may sound but she was equally excited!

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It was a fascinating exhibition on mummies and how they are preparing the bodies with rituals and special stones for the after-life. Do you know they used to dig out the brains by not cracking the skull open of any sort but by using a long iron rod through the deceased noses to clear it out of brains???? *Cringes*  They even have real encased mummies as exhibits! Okay enough about mummies,more about them.

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*Interesting how a jacket can change your appearance hahaha & maybe i should invest in a good camera for myself ugh

Here comes the best part!! (Squealing in excitement trying to relieve it all again!!)

She forgot to mention, Special was carrying this large bag because he said he wanted to help pass it to a friend later on.  So after that he brought her to this place, Rooftop garden i think??
It was already 7+ 8pm so the weather was at its best. The lights were illuminating. You could see everything there, the Singapore Flyers, Fullerton Hotel, Esplanade, practically the city lights. Not forgetting MBS right behind (over-towering) you.It was… beautiful, and with the night breeze, it was perfect really especially with his presence.They sat side by side and admired what lies before (more like beneath) them,together.

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I swear it was like a scene out of a movie but what happened next, my feelings, i couldn’t even put it in words.

“Actually, there’s no friend to meet” he trailed off.

She knew what that meant while he started explaining himself. She couldn’t really tell if he was as anxious as her but for sure, her cheeks are already on fire.

“I’ve got something for you,” said Special.

He took out this tiffany blue box from the bag and placed it between them.  She was delighted yet nervous. She couldn’t bring herself to open it just yet. She untied the ribbon, opened the clasp, peeked in and closed it shut again. She saw a box and a card but she couldn’t open it all just yet. She was this close to hyperventilating (Exaggeration) but really.
All she could do was just to look into his eyes with questions running thru her head.

She plucked up all courage and opened the chest this time and found this.

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“That’s not all, turn to the back of the picture,” he said.

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She didn’t quite expected that to happen as such she was speechless because there were too many feelings running inside her waiting to burst out. She swiftly went up to him, nestled herself comfortably on his lap and gave him the biggest hug ever, felt like she was giving him all her love she could, like she didn’t ever want to let go whilst whispering,

“Of course i will // I love you.”

And right at that moment, the light show they have @ MBS, started and you could really imagine how perfect a scene it was. We were at the rooftop garden in a long embrace and then there was spectacular rays of colorful lights beaming bright before us as if it was a congratulatory show (I choose to believe so) I cannot emphasize how perfect and surreal it was. I honestly never wanted it to end. I was practically beaming with joy.

That right there is my definition of a fairytale.

Right place, right time and with the right person. Really thankful for everything.

So as of 7th September 2013, i can finally call  Mr Special, mine.
Thank you for being so wonderful and full of surprises all the time.
I’ll try to be the best for you and us and give you all my love,always.
I love you so much,
Mr P.
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How To Fall In Love With Someone Who’s Been In Love Before

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Thought Catalog

You have your first relationship, and then you have your first relationship. The one where you finally figure out, beyond all reasonable doubt or concern, what it’s like to be in love. The one where the word “forever”—however impractical it may be—doesn’t seem so far-fetched anymore; the one where the phrase “I love you” finally sounds right rolling off your tongue; the one that sad Lana Del Rey songs will always be able to describe exactly. It could have happened in high school or college or even after, but it’s a time of innocence and beauty and discovery that can never be captured again. It’s like a dream, but like all dreams, you eventually wake up.

You go to different colleges, your paths go different ways, one of you has to break it off. But how can things ever be the same again? How can you ever not feel attracted…

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Resentment

You know everyone changes and suddenly you don’t know who they are anymore like maybe they don’t even know who you are anymore. They can impose stupid curfews on you, expect the impossible from you, expect you to obey and listen to them but are they ever going to learn to understand that were in 2013, that it’s all different now that they have to learn to let go to see their kids achieve what they can.

Affection and love doesn’t show really often from where i come from. Or maybe because i’m the eldest. Who fucking cares about the eldest right? No i don’t need your empathy because really, i have been living this life for 19 years. You don’t tell me things, that i do not see. Sure they show me care and concern, sometimes. Most of the times it’s just authority that i see. 

I know for one reason, you’re afraid. Afraid to see me become you. Afraid that i won’t have a proper career a proper future, no goals in life like you were when you’re a teen. I know you want the best for me but at this rate, its going to be a reason for downfall.

One thing for sure, don’t you trust your own flesh and blood? You raised me well enough to know what’s right and what’s wrong. Whatever i choose to do (Of course i would never do anything that might bring shame to you both) is my choice and my decision in life. I need to fall once in a while to rise back up but really is this what you’re capable of? Just because you’re my parents, i have to listen to everything you say, even if it doesn’t make me happy? Just because you have authority you can talk to me in a tone like that?

So is this ‘life’ of mine, is it about you or me?

As such ive strapped myself on one hell of a ride these few days. 
I think i get more support from my friends then both of you combined. 

If only Singapore wasn’t at all expensive, i swear i would have packed my bags and leave. Leave for good. Get an apartment or something. You know go missing like as if i would have made a difference. I don’t think the way you are handling things is in favor for the both of us. It just worsens the whole thing. Instead of sitting down with me and talking things out, you choose to threaten, shout and point at me.
What a good move. Great going! Checkmate!

To top it all off, you don’t even know i am in the midst of my exams. How ever more thoughtful can you get. How can i not love you. 

Not getting allowances at all is never an issue for me because i try my best to understand your situation. And, as the eldest i know i did my part and took up the responsibility for myself. 

But really, i think instead of reasoning things out with me and go the hard method is really a wrong move. There’s so much resentment in me rn. I have been keeping way too much because for the past 19 years i haven’t been saying my mind. Just because i do not say my mind, it doesn’t mean you can step all over me.

Don’t pull the trigger.

Special

Im supposed to be studying right now. Shivering in this public library which fortunately has superb internet connection. It’s a gloomy day outside but no, i’m feeling fabulous, happy and confident. I just feel like writing you see so bare with me.

Final exams are just round the corner. In 2 days to be precise. And i am just….here. Hello.

She woke up extra happy today. She felt lovely. She felt as if her face was radiating and glowing tomatoes. She woke up, looked into the mirror, smiled to herself and thought ‘I love him so much.’ Thereafter, she jumped straight onto her bed against the extra comfy pillows and nestled herself in between bolsters,teddybears and pillows finding a substitute for the warmth he provided her with yesterday.

She can finally understand what all those corny cheesy love songs mean, finally.

She finally saw how much she meant to him, how much he was truly afraid to see her go, and give up.

She sat there yesterday at 11.30pm admiring the colors and the decoration of the wedding preparation in front of her. Wondering one day whoever would be her beau along side her walking towards the red carpeted aisle. Would he cry when he sees her in her wedding gown all prepped up and ready? Would he have butterflies or would he not stop smiling? Would she be truly happy?

He came back. He came back for her. He came and sat next to her, trying to make everything better. She, being as stubborn as ever, refused to give in after he left her walking behind like that. Already thinking of the worst case scenario until he asked a question which took her by surprise,

“What is more important? Your ego, or us?”

Then it hit her. Hard. Is she really going to risk the amazing thing they have just because of her selfishness, her ego? She felt, stupid for being so selfish towards this young man next to her. Who ‘came back’ for her,despite being tired and egoistic as well. Was she really going to give up just because of one thing he did wrong? She wasn’t.

She was being a mean bitch, refusing to answer questions and kept turning the tables. She knew how agitated he was. But she wasn’t going to give up. She thought sooner or later, he’d raise the white flag and take his leave. Head home. But he didn’t. He stayed, being as patient as he can, trying his best to talk things out.

She finally saw how she was… special. How tolerant he was towards her. How he lowers down his ego just for her, to save something he really loves. Us.

Then she fell, deeper. She couldn’t take her eyes off him. There’s just something about him that was mesmerizing. She’ll never fail to notice the freckles on his cheeks, his thick and defined eyebrows, how he’s face never needs contouring because its always that defined, how he looks sleepy all the time because of his eyes and how graceful he looks without even smiling.

Finally both of them settled for a good warm long embrace, apologizing to another. Interesting how a long embrace was satisfying in every sense. She felt at home, safe and protected in his arms. Then she felt happy and blessed to have him by her side.

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She can never thank him enough for loving her like that.
That, in a way no one has ever done so.
I love you.

Thank you for never giving up on her.

Oppression?

What is in between freedom and oppression?

Freedom to do whatever you want, whatever you think makes you happy and unstoppable. Freedom to continue doing or start doing what you love and what you will excel in. Sure not everything comes easy but certainly the freedom to do so, will make you a happier person.

From my point of view, given the freedom to do and be given freedom to become what you are set out to be is the biggest gift ever. You should never ask for anything more if, your parents truly understand you and give you the freedom that you need. I feel, they should be more confident of their own up-bringing and how they raise their kids. (Be thankful if you’ve got parents that supports you in whatever you’re set out to do,seriously)

Believe, trust them to not do stupid stuffs, they probably won’t, if you raise them well.

But restricting them to do this and that and this, i personally think their just caging the kids from really exploring and enjoying life. Oppressing. Oppressing them to become people who they would never want to become.

“You like designing? No take this course it’ll guarantee you a better life, better career options better pay” they say.

Honestly i think i was stupid enough to let them control my future and my path. But then i realize no point hating them for it since i’m already here finishing up my 3 years on something that i don’t even think i’ll pursue and even…..enjoy after i graduate.

“But they just want the best for you” blablabla i know i know.

I want the best for myself too. But at what cost? My career written by them and being all unhappy with life because i’m not doing what i love? They fail to understand, even with the diploma in hand, it’s a totally unrelated course to what i want to do and be in life.

So what am i supposed to do once i get the papers? Go to magazine publishers with a Hotel Hospitality diploma certificate and try to sell myself? Why wouldn’t they just let me get into the courses i want. Life would be so much better and easier.

One more thing, i certainly don’t find it fair that they are just ‘oppressing’ me among all my other siblings. I get really really frustrated and i don’t think i can hold it in any longer. So what if i’ve set good examples to my siblings. Did they turn out the same? Did they bring home good results? Did they? No. Did they come home on time and not late at night? No.

Fuck.

Just because i listen to them, and sure i do listen and obey pretty much all the time, they can restrict me from doing what i want and like but not to the others? I’m waiting. Waiting for them to turn out better then me.

I think i set a good enough example already.
Enough is enough.

Stay

Screen shot 2013-08-25 at PM 07.52.39                                     “The vacancy that sat in my heart
                                         Is a space that now you hold”

I still can’t figure out why i have so much feelings for you.
Its not exactly just this one composed feeling but more like a flowing into a series of spirals kind of feeling.  Like a maze, crop circle, a mixture of glistening sand particles in a mason jar. Does that explain how complex this is?

We couldn’t decide where we should head to, to have this really ‘serious’ talk. So then we decided it was almost dusk and the weather was perfect, breezy and everything. We headed to where i personally think bunnies/rabbit refugees live at. I cannot believe that there is no such thing in such a vast ocean of greens! (Which reminds me of bunnies in small small mouse-like cages in Bali, waiting for their doom, such a tragic sight i give up)

Only problem? It was quite a distance from where we alighted by bus. So we quickly made a detour and my foot was giving way to my chunks. It was eating and biting onto the back of my ankle. It was quite a far journey and i couldn’t stand it anymore i took off my chunks, which at this point he did the same to his slippers as well and insisted on me putting them on.

It wasn’t really a usual sight seeing someone walking barefooted next to you hahaha it was really…..nice and somehow that made him seem a whole lot more charming then he already was,to begin with. I know he’s probably going to read this redundant post but hey, i do really find him charming in no words can describe…..This may seem cheesy but really, don’t be too flattered though 😉

Then being the nice lady i am watching him wincing whenever he steps on fallen branches, i took his slippers off and joined him,anticipating our destination. That’s what i love about this/us, not every ‘outing’ with him would be the same. Its thrilling and exciting, the new spontaneous things we come up with (Given circumstances) all the time. Like every time, were up for a  new adventure. I love adventures.

We managed to catch this beautiful sunset (Its like out of a movie, with symmetrical beams of sun sprouting out isn’t it?!) It was exactly what i needed after a long (troubling) day at school. With him by my side made it a whole lot better. Skipping in joy.

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Then we sat on the road, just us two, minding our own business and sinking in the warmth of the other. Embracing the calmness the night brings and being comfortable in his presence wishing i never have to go home. Tugging the hair brushing my face behind my ears and just staring straight through someone never brought so much content.

And then i wish we could carry this on forever. Truly, thank you for bringing back smiles.
I love you. Stay.

 

Rantrantrant

He’s amazing no doubt. Either the problem lies in me, or him. Why? Am i expecting too much or is he giving too little? Am i putting such high standards and expectations or am i just expecting a little more? Do i think i mean something to him? Most probably not. Do i feel like i’m the only one who has got he’s attention? I don’t quite think so as well.

So what am i supposed to think.
Defenses are up, because i hate to lose, if he’s playing a game i’d rather win. I always win. Does he find me lovely or am i just a reflection of himself. Am i everything he is that’s why were here up till now? Do i make him think about me and us does he have butterflies like i do do you think he’s just tired of me?

Well maybe he is.

It isn’t my fault that i got angry for a whole day. It shouldn’t be my fault. Why do i please people when they don’t think about me. Maybe i’m overreacting but maybe i’m just protecting myself. From what? From hurt definitely. From infinite bitterness. 

I’m upset and angry with the whole situation as it is. Its unbearable this frustration.
I have no fucking idea why the fuck it’s like it is. I think i’m being patient enough but waiting is not my forte. 

I need a fucking sack of faith. I need someone to get rid of this feeling in me. But im afraid that someone is as ignorant as fuck. Probably it’s because he’s tired.
Yup probably he is. 

I can’t do nothing about it if he’s not even finding time, for us. 
I can’t do nothing if he places priority in his friends.
Because what am i again?