Lease

You knew he was never yours. You knew he was going to be a phase. You knew you messed up. You knew you didn’t want to look for trouble yet you did it. You knew all this was bound to happen. You know you’re just another self-consumed egoistic, selfish bastard. You know yourself better than anyone else. You know it’s close to impossible to change all these traits. You tried, it’s not enough. Nobody appreciates anything around here and you jolly well know it too.

Always amazes me how much you can adore someone and be proud of them, not afraid or the least bit shy to share them to the world. And you sit and ponder if they thought of you the same like you meant the universe to them. Would/do they boast about you through everything to anyone possible?

I’m not giving up on you, im giving up on my future hopes and dreams now that i am certain it’s going to be bleek. I know i’m not going to sit here and wait. Wait for you to get both your feet outta the door. I’m not a fucking mannequin or a pet you can choose to leave at home while you get yourself prepped and ready for a fucking walk in the fucking park.

Worst

I never thought anyone could hurt me,emotionally. I never thought anyone would be capable of hurting me. Hurting, stinging my feelings. That ache you have deep inside your chest. That physical ache, that emotional train wreck. I thought wrong. It has never been this way before in the previous relationship. This meant so much more. Although it was only for a duration of 6 months, we had our wits tested. Our limits crossed. Challenging phases were not a surprise.

I still.. looked up to him. Something inside me keeps telling me, its really him, there isn’t no one else. He always leaves me dumbfounded always keeping my jaw apart in awe. I was never shy enough to control my stares of ultimate adoration. I never cared who was watching, i was never afraid to show people who actually owns my heart, for once.

For once i thought things will be different because i actually admire and love(alot), someone, more than a friend more than anything.

And then the person leaves so what does that leave you with? A parcel of memories and gifts and handwritten-full-of-effort cards? Is that actually what the relationship brought? Just determined by the amount of items inside?

I plummeted on bed, hugged the holographic rectangular box like it was a prized possession. I thought i could control myself. Not at the moment when my sensitive nose (only towards a certain scent)  gets a whiff of his scent the box left me pathetically with. Tears started to prickle my eyes. I tried to garner control of my tear ducts but unfortunately his smell was too familiar and too comforting. It was as if it was telling me everything was going to be fine. I bit my tongue in hope it was all just fantasy. I took another whiff blatantly, it was raining tears by then.

Everything was inside, gifts, cards, stuffs, keycards.

I took a message and tore it apart in anger and frustration. I moved on examining all the items i gave a few months back and was doing better(stronger i hope). Not when i sniffed on the band of his watch and the leather of the Fred Perry card holder i got him last year. It smelled so distinctively of him. Everything smells so good so him. By this time i couldn’t talk no more. I started heaving like a horse.

This is such an incredible loss to me.
I feel so lost and, empty.

So how do i start or get going from here?
How do i prove myself worthy and always be true to myself to the next?