Lease

You knew he was never yours. You knew he was going to be a phase. You knew you messed up. You knew you didn’t want to look for trouble yet you did it. You knew all this was bound to happen. You know you’re just another self-consumed egoistic, selfish bastard. You know yourself better than anyone else. You know it’s close to impossible to change all these traits. You tried, it’s not enough. Nobody appreciates anything around here and you jolly well know it too.

Always amazes me how much you can adore someone and be proud of them, not afraid or the least bit shy to share them to the world. And you sit and ponder if they thought of you the same like you meant the universe to them. Would/do they boast about you through everything to anyone possible?

I’m not giving up on you, im giving up on my future hopes and dreams now that i am certain it’s going to be bleek. I know i’m not going to sit here and wait. Wait for you to get both your feet outta the door. I’m not a fucking mannequin or a pet you can choose to leave at home while you get yourself prepped and ready for a fucking walk in the fucking park.

Advertisements

Worst

I never thought anyone could hurt me,emotionally. I never thought anyone would be capable of hurting me. Hurting, stinging my feelings. That ache you have deep inside your chest. That physical ache, that emotional train wreck. I thought wrong. It has never been this way before in the previous relationship. This meant so much more. Although it was only for a duration of 6 months, we had our wits tested. Our limits crossed. Challenging phases were not a surprise.

I still.. looked up to him. Something inside me keeps telling me, its really him, there isn’t no one else. He always leaves me dumbfounded always keeping my jaw apart in awe. I was never shy enough to control my stares of ultimate adoration. I never cared who was watching, i was never afraid to show people who actually owns my heart, for once.

For once i thought things will be different because i actually admire and love(alot), someone, more than a friend more than anything.

And then the person leaves so what does that leave you with? A parcel of memories and gifts and handwritten-full-of-effort cards? Is that actually what the relationship brought? Just determined by the amount of items inside?

I plummeted on bed, hugged the holographic rectangular box like it was a prized possession. I thought i could control myself. Not at the moment when my sensitive nose (only towards a certain scent)  gets a whiff of his scent the box left me pathetically with. Tears started to prickle my eyes. I tried to garner control of my tear ducts but unfortunately his smell was too familiar and too comforting. It was as if it was telling me everything was going to be fine. I bit my tongue in hope it was all just fantasy. I took another whiff blatantly, it was raining tears by then.

Everything was inside, gifts, cards, stuffs, keycards.

I took a message and tore it apart in anger and frustration. I moved on examining all the items i gave a few months back and was doing better(stronger i hope). Not when i sniffed on the band of his watch and the leather of the Fred Perry card holder i got him last year. It smelled so distinctively of him. Everything smells so good so him. By this time i couldn’t talk no more. I started heaving like a horse.

This is such an incredible loss to me.
I feel so lost and, empty.

So how do i start or get going from here?
How do i prove myself worthy and always be true to myself to the next?

Ushering in 2014

I have a quick confession to make.
Honestly through out the whole year of 2013 nothing good will happen to me given the very dramatic bad start or should i say a bad first half of the year. And i thought it was going to stay like that. But i was wrong.
What proved me wrong? Let me share.

As naive as i was i never thought i would even be close enough to even love someone honestly and with all that i have to give. So initially i thought i would just spend the rest of my time mingling around and make the most out of it. (Well whatever that meant)
But it wasnt until i met him. I was doubtful at first but as time goes by i saw how serious and sincere he was so i decided to give it a shot. What i can say is, it turned out to be the best decision in my life made in 2013. (My worst choice however is my choice of hotel for internship honestly im still suffering here so a little help would do good?)

Ok back to it.

Ive never regretted spending my time effort and everything else on this guy who made me feel more like a queen. Our squabbles and fights are always rationalized in the end (which i have to admit was him always making the first move trying to talk things out. Another strong reason why i love him so much) No matter how hot/hard headed or egoistic one of us can be we always manage to work things out. He gave me the best memories anyone can ask for in just a short period of 6 months. He’s been there thru good or bad happy or sad. Especially when i ever feel like quitting or having my limits tested or just being dead plain tired. He’s been with me stick and stuck on me until i felt better or until i can stand up on my own again. The amount of concern and care he has is just remarkable and he is just everything that i need.

So the confession really is that i have never been happier to have a man like him by my side really.

Spending and ending our 2013 and the beginning of 2014 together catching the fireworks at Marina Bay was just…
To many more years to come my love.

You’re the best damn thing that happened and i hope it stays this way forever.
We will make it through anything and everything together right?
Positive.

Happy new year to all of you and of course to the new found lover.
(Well 6 months is kind of new am i right?)

It always feels just like yesterday.

19th of years

An unexpected surprise really for this year’s birthday….well for me that is! (Well actually really overwhelmed since i’ve never had my family celebrate it this big for me. The last was when i was really really little) It’s been long since ive posted something but ive been too busy with work and internship(Unfortunately they are the same thing) and i can’t wait for it to be over in another 2 months time since its already coming to 2014 in another 3 more days!

It really has been a roller coaster ride for me this past few months especially getting into a relationship with someone like Putra hahahahahha i don’t mean it negatively tho. It’s been interesting so far. But that aside lets talk about my birthday hehe.

On one of the days a week after my birthday they had a family chalet for my cousins 1st year birthday party but which i couldnt attend due to commitment reasons (WORK) they fetched me from work though and brought me over. To a delightful surprise when i reached,they blasted birthday songs and sang with cupcakes and inextinguishable candles and brought me in to open my 19 presents they got me. (So so sweet i wanted to cry) Of course mama bought me my Naked 3 finally and Cik Shikin a Juicy Couture wallet hehe love all of the gifts nevertheless. To know my sister was the mastermind behind this……. aww come kiss kiss for you. She has never been sweet to me ever i swear and im not even exaggerating.

Then they fooled me with a fake ipad…… i almost cried………

And plummeted me with water balloons and sprays of confetti and strings and snow and all other stuff. Memorable indeed.

My birthday however on the date it self is a whole different thing. Lucky me, got to spend it with my very charming boyfriend, as always. The things he does for us like going out alone and walking a distance to get Macdonalds in the middle of the night for us.

Good thing my birthday doesnt just end there because after that my bestfriend fetched me from work with a princess helium balloon and walking around with that attracted alot of stares and wishes as well. She got me things ive been looking for the whole time wow she really is good hands down to her. Ah love her and everyone else

My boyfriend amazingly surprised me w a bouquet of flowers(pink roses!) when he fetched me from work yesterday with a gift which turned out to be really pretty swarovski diamond thingy necklace. The sweetest thing was he actually already bought it when we started dating into 2 months or so and have kept it with him since. Telling me he only gave it to me now well that’s because the pendant is called the trust pendant. So therefore he thinks he can finally trust me enough to present it to me. I really want to squeeze and squish him till death. I have never known my boyfriend can ever be this sweet.

I never felt anymore blessed then this of course except the chalet and my bestfriend making time for me to celebrate my birthday together. It really touches me to know someone thought of you and got it for you even before he/she is yours and both of you are officially together.
But for him to keep it that long…..

I love you so much. Thank you for having faith and never giving up.

Blessed to be given such people with so much love to give me hehehe now time to wash up and get ready for dinner with the family and boyf……. he must be peeing in his pants rn

till then,
xxxxxx

21st Nov

Honestly i have never found trusting people,easy.
I don’t really care who you are. You can be my parents my friend my boyfriend, anybody.
How do people even learn to trust. It’s a huge risk. It’s like playing with stocks. Sometimes on good days everything is fine you start to trust and believe that they’re good for you but the very next day they plummet down or go bankrupt on you and you lose everything? Everything like your sanity?

Am i over reacting ok maybe i am but really. How do one even trust? I can’t even trust my boyfriend tweeting about another girl(friend)??? I mean what comes into my mind next honestly is out of the world i dont even know how negative i can get? When it comes to issues about trust…….. Hell no. I can’t even think proper. Like if someone could potentially hurt you, what or which part of trust are you going to instill in them trusting them to not hurt you more? Like what else in the world can they be hiding from you? Well i think if they’re good enough they can hide the world from you really.

If i don’t bother, it’ll seem like ill be giving too much face and i couldn’t care less…but if i do does that make me controlling and over-possessive(clingy)?
So what is too much?

Okay apart from that… I’ve been really tired with work(internship) I’ve been crying to myself the past week because i was on morning shift hahahah pussy i know i am. Well i just feel like somethings missing i really can’t pinpoint what. I had a really heavy heart and was definitely not in good shape at all. I was happy Putra was there to lighten my burden a little though.

I figured it really is true that when you don’t see or have the chance to do what you usually do or see what you usually see, you kind of take things for granted and stop appreciating what you’re blessed with. The possibility could come in so many forms. Monetary, family, friends, affection, privacy, time, etc. I keep telling myself i have to be positive and happy because everyday is a new adventure you get to meet new people new guests but in my hotel, its always busy always pouring in with new guests always on full occupancy. I never really have had a chance to sit down and talk to my guests. It’s sad really.

I’ve been on the hunt for my ‘sexy beast’ (the new Ipad Mini w Retina display) but i can’t seem to get it anywhere because its all out of stock hours after it was restocked(plain frustrating) and i’ve been busy with work which made it more difficult to catch up with the latest stock updates and well…….yea

3 months left till the end of intern and ive already counted down. 77 more working days till its finally over!!! I can’t wait to graduate and get this over and done with but really at the same time i don’t have any clue what i want to do and pursue after that. Getting a degree overseas is actually very tempting… But so does flying (Air-stewardess) and opening up my own wedding events company and setting up my own clothing store?

Dreams dreams wild dreams. Travelling is my main aim tho (explains my interest in flying)
It’ll be pretty cool to meet and make new friends all the time all over the world wouldn’t it? Imagine living a year in all the different states and by the time youre dead you probably would have just visited like 60 states? That’s not even the world………….yet. I’d love to have the opportunity to visit all the wonders of the world and mother nature. Singapore has nothing to offer except Little guilin?

Ha.

 

Money is evil

Since young i have always been taught to work hard work smart to be successful to earn a huge sum of money to be able to travel to go to anywhere in the world to be recognized to influence to be smart to be wise to be intellectual and knowledgeable to be looked-upon to be wealthy.

With the extremely high standards of living in Singapore i come to understand why they actually try to seed this perspective in me(It actually is working really well). No not to be money-minded or a gold-digger of any sort but to ensure a secure future. To having the opportunity never to face a tough life in terms of financial because in Singapore,truly everything is about the money. To not have to lead a difficult life like they did before. To do better then them, to earn more then them to live a comfortable life.

 My wishes are impossible to grant really. All of it are too extravagant too sparkly too shiny too wow too unbelievable. I’d have to marry a billionaire if i really wouldn’t settle for less. But as i grow up and i start to experience living the life of an average-struggling-to-earn-but-save-money Singaporean, damn its impossible to save! There goes my hopes and dreams of owning a convertible, a 3 story bungalow with a grand staircase in the hallway with white marble pillars at the front… I feel morose and disappointed i can’t continue no more so this shall end here bye.

Ways you will definitely know he loves you?

Ways you will definitely know he loves you?

Loves you, for who you are and not only your hourglass figure or cheerleader skirts or amazeball sense of style/fashion or your skinny fucking waist or smoothness of your skin or your perfect brows or your 5 inch heels. Well you should pretty much get the gist by now.

I have to admit tho, im not really a good lover in fact i think im a horrible one really (Don’t worry my boyfriend is well aware of this situation (unfortunately) and has been warned before hand) Don’t have to pity him.

Luckily luck is on my side in this two player game.(I put further emphasize on TWO) I pretty much receive more then i give (trying to make a change slowly but surely) Amazingly he is still here for me despite all the squabbles and really i can be quite a handful most of the time. (Which makes me love him all the more)

You’ll know he loves you
If he remembers by heart (Sincerely of course) all your little details. From the hint of your likes/dislikes, your itinerary and plans, your cell number, your birthdate, your first kiss, your favourite songs, favourite place, your favourite number, favourite disney princess, even your best friends names and where they come from without even having to meet them yet! (I think my boyfriend has a hard disc installed somewhere im sure because i can’t even remember his cell number! Boo me go ahead. Im sorry but i have the memory of a goldfish)

You’ll know he loves you 
If you both don’t have to rely on out-sourcing entertainment to fill your time (Strictly includes movies, shopping, eating) Well eating is a necessity (a hobby for me) so that’s an exception. You can be utterly disgusting like me (i burp out loud alot i am sorry i am a disgrace to the female community) and he still loves you just the way you are. You can want to just sit and talk and laugh and even take a nap and he wouldn’t even care or love you any more less. Who needs $$$ to have fun with the one you love anyway?

You’ll know he loves you
If he makes sacrifices no matter big or small. Small sacrifices includes giving you his fries or walking around town with lip stain on his face (well i like to do this secretly tho hehe) talking to you on the phone till youre really sleepy (sacrificing sleep in this case for me is pretty much a big sacrifice so be thankful ladies) or sending you home to your doorstep because bringing and asking you out was his responsibility so sacrificing his time and effort to send you home is pretty much a must (Dont question me and my at-times-feminist thinking)
Big sacrifices like waking up when youre up for morning shift at work just to accompany you and make sure you’re not alone because you hate mornings as much as i do. (i despise them) Willing to take a trip down to your work place in the middle of the night to just fetch you home?

You’ll know he loves you
If he cares about you. Even a simple question like how did your day go? Is instantly a relief. The tricky part here is to tell whether he is genuinely interested of course. If he is then, lucky you. If he cares he will want to know what happened to you, how did your day go, what did you have for lunch, who you went out with, what pissed you off at work and most importantly after pouring them all out, he’s there to make you better. (My boyfriend is guilty of this)

Lastly,

You’ll know he loves you
If he has no expectations for you or for the relationship as a whole. He accepts you for who you are. Who you set out to be and supports you till the very end. He breathes in your flaws and exhales your imperfections but still loves them as they are because all of it defines you. He doesn’t try to change you.The only expectation he should have on the relationship is for it to last, eternity.

Well i do know he loves me pretty damn much and i can never ask for another.
In fact he is actually guilty for all of the above and i would like to take this opportunity to thank him for teaching and making me be a better lover a better friend and a better daughter.

For the rest of you never give up, good luck and all the best
Regards,
T.J xx

Photo on 2013-09-20 at 16.59 #3

Selfish//Selfless (??)

She always wanted someone she could turn to if anything ever happens to her or even to anyone she loves. She wanted it to be sincere and real. But most importantly, she wanted it to be mutual. Not to anyones or their own discreet. She wanted all of it. Greed. She keeps asking and wishing for something she knows and is confident she can’t have. But theres this thing about her. She never wants to spit failure. She never liked rejection and failures.

And so she keeps trying to figure herself out and what she’s doing whether it’s worth it or not. She knows she makes mistakes (on purpose or not) that she cannot rewind. She hurts feelings, got her feelings hurt, therefore she knows where she grew her heartless egoistic sadistic persona from. She’s actually very scared. Scared for herself. Scared that she’s afraid to lose the people she love. Scared for thousands of reasons. Scared of being neglected, scared of being too clingy, scared of being too attached, scared of losing, scared of being taken advantage of, scared of being lied to, scared of being made believe what never was true, scared of the uncertain future, scared of all her mistakes and how they will definitely find a way to catch up with her in the later days.

She always compares herself to the dream life she always fantasizes about. She knows she’s never going to accomplish that. And that maybe people who tell her they care and love her as a whole are not assuring enough. Or maybe whatever they claimed were not even true? How do you tell?

You tell when you start to notice all the little difference? You tell when you notice they start talking to you less? You tell when they couldn’t be bothered about your opinions and feels? You tell when its not mutual anymore? You tell when you feel their assurance are more of annoyance/pressure/force then sincerity?

Is it really because of this that i knew that everything will fade and come to an end?(Be it friendship//relationship?)

Is it really because of this i built high stone cold walls around me? Preventing any potential intruders from making me feel like ive been waking up in a rainbow of a meadow and then taking everything that i gave to them( everything so precious because i never give just anyone anything ) and walks away, slowly, a step at a time leaving all the little traces of memories?

She doesn’t like being encompassed in sadness.Its tiring. She wakes up everyday telling herself that today will be a better day. Today she will meet more people that’s worth knowing/her time. Today she’ll make a kid/elder citizen smile. Today she’ll dress up and feel pretty and confident about herself. Today she’s going to lift up people’s spirits. Today she’ll make people happy. Today she’ll listen to a friend whose having a bad day. Today, she’ll smile.

A smile that could cover up so much that she knows no one, no one, could ever understand and still accept her for who she is.  A smile that makes people wonder what ever is she so happy about. A smile that would make people stop asking how she really is doing and save her all the trouble from trying to reach out and explain. A smile that hides what she’s really feeling underneath all that fakes.

She realise, she’ll never reach out for help from anyone. Because she knows, she can’t count on nobody. Nobody at all. She sees herself, braving the world alone and with no other persons help. She strives to achieve whatever she want’s and thinks is best for her alone. Initially she thought things might change. But then again, maybe its just reality?

If only she quits pretending and stop trying to make people around her happy,It would already have solved every single goddamn thing.

Quicky

Hello!! It’s been a week since internship started and i barely had time to use my laptop even! Can you imagine how hectic it has been? ok maybe i might be have exaggerated it by a little bit but really, i still need some getting used to, to busy(full-time) working periods and shifts. Especially memorizing the table and buffet settings and the tasks at hand. But i think it’ll not be a problem since i’ll be most likely doing the same thing for the rest of my days. ( 23 more weeks to go!!! )

Nothing fantastic pretty much happened… Just that my off days for the two weeks are coincidentally always on par with my bf’s. Well lucky me!

So back to working, i’m starting to get more comfortable with my colleagues and yes they’re really nice people(Thankfully). I can live with this for 6 months,no sweat. However i never really had much time for my family since i’m always on afternoon shift, which means coming home in the early morning and by then they’re all asleep in preparation for work or school…

But i love afternoon shifts.

I love the night breeze whenever i step out of the hotel. How the street lights and car flashes in front of you against the dark sky. All the neon lights come alive at night. You can see flying moths shining under the lights and actually coming up with a spectacular show just like that. The people you meet at night are different. Most of the time they seem friendlier.

You don’t see stressed faces rushing and pushing in the crowd. Angsty office people rushing for lunch. Pretty much rushing rushing rushing people. The drastic difference need i even explain? People are happier at night. Laughing, walking with their friends slowly talking and enjoying themselves like theres not even any care for the world. The air is cooler. Pretty much just the way i love it.

Reminds me so much of Perth.
I really need a break soon doesn’t matter be it in Singapore or better yet overseas.
Can’t wait for intern to end tho. Wait i don’t even know what i want to do with my life once school ends. I need a job that pays good money in a short period of time and then pack my suitcase and travel the world. Intro anyone??

Passing by

Brief update about how my days went by these few days before i finally embark on my 6 months journey (Internship) Please i really hope it’ll be a smooth sailing one for me tho. It’s my final lap before i can finally graduate from school with a diploma in hand! 3 cheers!

On a Sunday we actually had a family chalet so i spent more time swimming and tanning myself (I know it really is taking a toll on my skin rn 😦 ) Then we rented a bicycles and cycled to the Pasir Ris horse stables! I’ve always loved horses ok actually i have always loved animals i mean they’re so cute and what not how can people hate//abuse them??

My family is pretty much the boring type(?) that sleeps early etc etc which is actually quite sad because i am actually the opposite of them haha i can never stay at home and i hate coming back home early. Im like the only owl in the family. Different on so many levels…. Why?

IMG_2169 IMG_2176
Moving on…

It wasn’t a really a good week to begin with so just bare with me. I don’t know if i’ve been doing things wrong or is it him okay maybe it’s just me. But no i beg to differ. Wait i can’t make up my mind. I don’t know actually i really do not know. Its too personal to go into details but no im a changed person now not the person i was back then definitely. 
Being real patient rn and i hope i won’t lose myself anytime soon.
I think im just over thinking again. Stop.

Think happy thoughts.

Thursday (4 days before i start intern)

Took a trip across the causeway with Putra for food! That means another tick listed off the our checklist! We headed to Malaysia to go food hunting and he accompanied me to go look for cafes there and under the sweltering heat, we only managed to find one! Not really sure whats the name of the cafe tho but its super quirky and cute!

Only went in and ordered food to realize that it actually isn’t halal which is pretty new to me because i thought…Its Malaysia! Ok but still, my fault. They don’t sell pork tho only alcoholic beverages. 😦

IMG_2220 IMG_2233 IMG_2214 IMG_2212 IMG_2234 IMG_2334
I felt pretty bad because he had to eat i with me as well haizzzzzzzzzzzzzz sorry 😦

We headed back to City Square mall and started looking for food again! No idea why am i always hungry these few days and craving for so many unhealthy junk!! :< But hats off to him for tolerating my needs and whininess and wants and craves and everything else hehe

We had Tutti Frutti after, followed by Auntie Anne’s and then Kenny Rogers! We really can grow fat together huh

IMG_2268IMG_2256
Then we headed home and as per normal time spent with him is never enough so after getting home and etc we met for badminton with my sister as well and it was a good work-out(Not even sure if its good enough to be called a work out even) Well at least i did sweat…and enjoyed! We called it a night after that.

I shall not elaborate on Friday and we don’t really have much pictures to put it in here so….. here are some

IMG_2308 IMG_2307 IMG_2310
Finally went to Rochester Park’s Starbux but for a friday noon it was really packed and i think that kind of defeats the purpose of it being in a strategic scenic location. 
Pretty much that and we did get to catch the sunset from Vivo though. 

Which made me wonder am i ever going on a cruise?? Because i kind of really need a getaway right now but with internship around the corner, that would have to wait till next year.

He went to work and i went home. A few minutes after i stepped in, the bitch pretty much called me up and asked if i wanted a ride. Since it wasn’t really a good day to begin with and i pretty much needed a break, we went cruising round and settled on Awfully Chocolate over at Greenwich. Cheered me up a little because it had the perfect ambience and even candles! Love candle light shit and desserts

IMG_2341

Till next time xx
(Oh and wish me luck for 6 months of hell//heaven thanks)